Day ZERO: Insanity.

Nighttime Insanity and visions of change flood my brain. Blaring phonk and liters of coffee, coupled with several cigarettes per hour, are surely not beneficial but necessary. Insomnia without excitement is simply no fun.

How did I end up in this state again? By mindlessly scrolling through brain-eating short videos for hours, after a day that started at 4:00 PM, and a diet that would make Nestlé exceedingly happy.

Thankfully, I'm doing something about it: I'm watching Fight Club for the 400th time, pretending to be Tyler Durden. But at this point, the movie doesn't matter; it could have been The Wolf of Wall Street or Who Am I (which, by the way, I've also watched far too often). Time and again, I identify with the protagonist, the unassuming evil, the guy who came out of nowhere and changed the world overnight, becoming incredibly rich and/or powerful, with women falling at his feet. But that's not me - and it never will be; assuming I continue to live my life this way.

Just as I write this, I see a withdrawal of €38.19 from my account to Friday SE. A liability insurance. Do people who have broken out of their cage have liability insurance? I don't think so.

In moments like these, I often ponder what holds me back and when I am happiest, or advancing the fastest. The former is less relevant - the unknown is what I want and what brings the most joy:

New projects, new risks, unfamiliar environments, new people.

The fact that I am aware of the situations that lead to the states I strive against and can immediately identify them, ultimately leaves only one question: What the fuck is stopping me? What stops me from "breaking away" on short notice and just flying to Southeast Asia with money that might only last me 3 - 6 months without income (not considering or seriously intending a return ticket).

Fear. Fear of failing again. Fear of acting rashly. Fear of being unprepared. I've already nearly faced personal bankruptcy, warnings, 3 failed companies, fines, coercive fines, etc. Yet, this fear ultimately keeps me in a state I loathe.

And as for being prepared: I've never been prepared. You always think you should buy this and that, have this and that, think everything through to the end and beyond - nonsense. Once you've done and acquired everything you wanted up to this point, a thousand things have changed again. The situation is different, there are new obstacles, you think differently - and the game starts over: Preparing for something that will never happen, or only in a diluted, sacrificial variant. Package holidays just aren't cool.

When I talk to people, especially those close to me, I often hear "Wait until you have this and that" or "Calm down, it takes time, you're still young" after disclosing my thoughts. But again and again, I think: How much longer? Who guarantees that I will be alive next year? People die all the time from all sorts of shit. "You're in a good position" And? As a cybersecurity analyst? Wow. My €2,500 trainee salary is so great. After taxes €1,700, after rent and groceries €800, phone bills, insurances, subscriptions, leisure: nothing. "But in a few months you'll earn even more" €4,000. Wow. Then I can afford a shitty car if I save and am patient. Or I take out a damn consumer loan and finance the shit - none of it is a solution, it just makes me more dependent on everything.

When I was about 20 and the Bitcoin boom was about to start, I was about to pump €10,000 into it and didn't. The reason is the same as now: I listened to people who told me it was too risky, stupid, and shortsighted of me to invest in something so abstract. Well: If I had just done my thing, I would be a multimillionaire now and this blog probably wouldn't exist.

Security doesn't exist - mediocrity, however, is real, the Matrix exists.

What happens if I come back broke? Actually, nothing. I go to the next nursing service and work a few months as a geriatric nurse and am welcomed with open arms on the same day and earn as much as the average again. Save up a little money again and can start the next ADHD action and continue living life instead of just existing and consuming.

Have you ever heard one exciting story after another from a lifelong 9-5 worker who takes no risks? I haven't.